The Cherry Blossoms always remind me of the Spring that Valerie died….

I had just moved to Washington for school, I didn’t know a whole lot of people here. I had a very small group of friends, and no family in the state. I was 23 years old, a single mother of one, a full time college student, and a struggling musician.
The amount of stress I was under was overwhelming. My life was going in fifty different directions at a time and it all depended on a very delicate balance of daycare, scheduling, and whatever juggling act I had to do to make it all work. One thing went wrong and the entire house of cards would all come tumbling down.
This one day in particular I was feeling especially overwhelmed. My daughter contracted the Chicken Pox the same week as final exams and my usual babysitter had never been exposed to Chicken Pox before so he could not watch her. I was forced to stay home with her. I called the school to plead my case to no avail.
Two of my teachers refused to let me make up the exams at a later time. I was going to a school that you would loose a grade for every day you missed no matter what the circumstances. I realized by the time the Chicken Pox were gone I would have failing grades in more than half of my classes.
I was in the doghouse with my band because I had already missed several practices and we had a big show coming up. They were already talking about finding a replacement for me.
Something had gone wrong with my financial aid so I was not sure how exactly I was going to pay rent that month or buy food.
I was wrecked emotionally and ready to give up. I was sitting on the floor in the middle of my living room, lights down, TV off, staring at the floor feeling sorry for myself.
I was thinking things like;
“How did I get here?”
“How is this my life?”
“Am I a good enough parent? Would my daughter be better off with different parents?”
“Should I quit school? Why do I even bother?”
“What is the point in all of this?”
“Wouldn’t everyone just be better off if I just gave up on living all together?”
That is when the phone rang. I’m not really sure why I picked it up. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.
“Hello.” I said flatly into the receiver
“Michelle? Hey, it’s Valerie.” The voice on the other end responded.
“Hi, how are you? How have you been feeling? Is everything going ok?” I asked, my tone changing when I realized who it was.
Valerie was my friend from back home that had moved to Washington about the same time I did. She was a sweet girl. She was twenty years old, very friendly, very likable. She was one of those friends you could call at any time and she would be there for you no matter what. In the time since we moved here we had become very important to each other, we were one another’s connection to “home” and things familiar.
Valerie found out she had Cancer four months before when she went to the doctor about a pulled muscle in her leg. It turned out what she thought was a strained ligament, was actually a cancer tumor.
“Yeah, well, the doctors said that it has traveled all over my body, the Chemo doesn’t seem to be helping.” She said. I could hear her voice wavering on the other end of the line. “I have lost all of my hair. I don’t even have eyelashes anymore Michelle!”
Suddenly my problems were looking smaller and smaller.
“Don’t you worry, you are young and healthy! We will beat this Val! I swear we will!” I said trying to sound as convincing as I could, “We will find you a great wig! I am sure it is fine. There is nothing a little make up can’t hide until you get better!” I was trying to sound positive.
Silence. There was nothing for a few minutes and then I could hear her take a deep breath. She was crying.
“Come on Val, don’t cry, it really will be ok.” I said weakly
“I am so scared. I don’t want to die Michelle! I really don’t want to die.” She said, “I don’t know what to do. I just know I want to live! Help me! What should I do?”
All I could say to her was, “It is going to be all right, don’t worry.” and try to hide the fact that I was crying too.
In reality, I didn’t know if it was going to be all right. My close friend was drowning before my eyes and I could do nothing to save her. I was terrified. All I wanted was to say anything that would make it all better. I couldn’t find those words no matter how hard I searched for them.
“I am so afraid. I don’t want to die.” was her only response, “I want to live.”
A few days later Val died in her sleep. That conversation was the last time I ever spoke to her.

Since she died, any time life has overwhelmed me, and my mind goes to a place of giving up, I remember that conversation. I remember clearly Valerie’s voice saying, “I want to live.” It reminds me of how lucky I am to still be alive. No matter how bad things get, I am alive. I AM ALIVE!
In her life she gave me friendship. In her last days she taught me the value of how precious every moment we have on earth is. In her death she taught me how important it is to never take any day you have alive for granted, because she would have traded even my worst days for the Cancer that took her life.
She taught me that we as humans have a responsibility to enjoy life and make the most out of it. In her friendship Valerie taught me that life truly is a gift.
Even all of these years later I think of her all of the time. That day and that conversation and the lessons she taught me I will carry for the rest of my life. In my memories my friend who changed my whole world will forever live on.