Pandora's Box (2004)

He was the kind of guy that she knew would get her in trouble from the moment she first laid eyes on him. He smiled and kissed her cheek with a familiarity of an old friend. She was so unaccustomed to such forwardness it startled her.
She mumbled some joke about dancing as she tried to push her way past him in the crowed and their friendly hello was tripped into somewhat of an embrace and spin as they were trying to pass in such close quarters.
“I could only be so lucky,” he replied to her quip and pulled her closer than necessary and kissed her cheek again before letting her go.
With that he turned and walked away leaving her breathless.
“What just happened?” she asked herself as she stood there dumbly in the crowd with eyes unable to focus on anything but the back of his head walking away from her. It was like she was in some sort of trance, one that she found very difficult to pull herself out of long enough to return to reality and make it to her destination.

After that run-in she found his face creeping its way into her dreams, his name on the tip of her tongue, the forefront of her thoughts all day. She looked forward to the next chance meeting.
She had to make a real effort not to say his name accidentally. She knew that it would only lead to trouble, and really what right did she have anyway? He was married and so was she. She had no business thinking about him that way. It is not like anything had happened to put her under this spell. All there was, was that all too brief encounter, a one and a half minutes worth of conversation if that.
Was it the touch of his hand, the smell and warmth of his body, or the flirtatious kiss on the cheek? Or was she looking for, in him, something she felt was missing in her current situation that was all too difficult to face?

The next time she saw him at the bar he was sitting alone reading the paper. She stood in the doorway just hidden by the shadows and watched him for several minutes before deciding what to do.
“Should I leave right now? Should I turn around and pretend I never saw him, would that be the best thing for me to do?” she asked herself, “Or should I just walk in and pretend I didn’t see him and maybe he won’t notice me and we will just be in the same place at the same time with no one being the wiser? It isn’t like we are old friends or something!” she reasoned with herself, “In fact he probably doesn’t even remember me. He probably has not thought about me once since that time we ran into each other. I bet I could walk right by him and he would maybe find me slightly familiar and nothing more!”

It was final, she had convinced herself that, as usual, she has made a mountain out of a molehill and she was ready to take a breath, pull her courage about her and walk past him. He would not even recognize her, she would just walk by him, to the bar and he would not even look up from his paper. After all this is her head trip, not his, he is happily married and she is just one face in a sea of faces from a party that was ages ago!

She stepped from the shadows and started her journey from the door to the bar. The moment she thought she had cleared his eye line she heard her name. It was a voice that made her stop dead in her tracks. It was the voice that had been playing on a loop in her head for weeks.
She turned and he was standing, this surprised her, it was as if she could have faced him better had he been sitting, the fact he was standing in front of her made her feel suddenly small and weak. She thought she might faint.
She must have looked it because he asked, “Are you ok? You look a little pale. Would you like to sit down?”
She sat down in the empty chair opposite the one he had been sitting without even thinking. At that moment he could have suggested that she do just about anything and she probably would have.
“Hello?” he asked, he was now sitting across from her, “Would you like me to get you some water or something?”
She realized right then that she had not said a word; she had just walked in and sat down at his command. She didn’t know what to say, she knew she had to say something but in his presence, this close to the man who had been living in her head all of these weeks, she suddenly felt out of breath, without a voice, like if she opened her mouth words would not come out.
“Um... Sorry, I’m ok.” She squeaked she cleared her throat, “Water would be great, um, thank you.” She stammered.
She thought sending him across the room to get her water would buy her a few moments to compose herself and her thoughts.
He stood up and headed to the bar, she was happy to have a moment to herself. She thought of things she could say, excuses she could make to get out of there the moment he got back.
“Oh, I was just popping my head in, I am supposed to meet friends, but I think they are at the other bar.” is something she thought of saying, short and sweet and it would get her out of there.
When he came back he had a glass of water in one hand and a cold beer in the other he sat down and placed them both in front of her.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he said,” I thought you might like a drink.”
She realized he still had a full drink on his side of the table so the beer was for her, that was her invitation to stay, that was her exit disappearing before her eyes.
“Not at all, thank you.” She said and smiled, put the beer to her lips and took a swig. She normally hated the taste of beer but at that moment it seemed good, like somewhere in her mind she knew that since he was drinking this beer, his lips at that moment tasted like the beer. It seemed somehow decadent and it gave her butterflies in her stomach and made her giggle and feel a bit more relaxed.
They proceeded with small talk she was surprised at the ease in which they spoke. She didn’t usually have such an easy time of it; it was hard for her to feel comfortable with strangers as she was a fairly shy person. Usually she listened more than she spoke in public. With him, like the first time they met, it was the feeling of being near an old friend.
What started out as a chat about the weather and music they liked turned quickly into the kinds of things two people would share on a third date if all of the previous dates had gone extremely well.
They sat and chatted well into the night. She was over her nervousness and she felt close to him, as odd as it might seem. She would catch herself gazing into his eyes when he would explain something that he felt passionate about; she delighted in seeing the fire there. She found herself giggling and flirting and touching his arm when she was trying to make a point, much like the way she used to touch her husband years ago when they were first married.
That was the one subject neither of them mentioned, neither of them mentioned the fact that they both wore rings on their fingers that symbolized the fact that they belong to someone else and that this conversation should have ended a long time ago.

“Last Call in ten minutes!” the bartender shouted
“Have we really been talking that long?” she asked him, “It doesn’t feel like it! Where did the time go?”

He reached across the table and laid his hand on top of hers. She could feel the warmth of his hand and the metal of his ring, this startled her and brought her back to reality more than she would have liked at that moment.

“What are we doing?” she asked before she could stop the words from spilling out of her mouth
“Feeling something for a change,” he said in a very matter of fact tone, “I for one can say I have not felt anything in a long time until tonight and I have a sneaking suspicion you understand what I am talking about.”

All she could do was nod and turn her hand over so that her fingers were tangling with his. It was as if no one had ever touched her before. The heat she could feel between them made her feel like she would disappear into nothing and be absorbed into him.

“I have to go, this is wrong.” She said again surprised at her own involuntary words.
“Meet me here tomorrow.” He said

She pulled her hand away and stood up, “I can’t.” she insisted and died a little when she heard the words because she knew that meeting him is the only thing in the world she really wanted to be doing. She didn’t even want to leave right then.

“I will be here, I hope you come.” He said and made a motion like he was about to stand up, she knew if he did she could not stop herself any longer so she turned on her heal and hurried out the door before he could get to his feet.
She thought she heard him calling after her, but so much of their conversation was already swimming through her head, she could have imagined it.

By the time she got to bed that night her husband was already sleeping. She lay in bed listening to him breath. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but she tried hard to concentrate on her breathing so he would not wake up to discover her crying. She didn’t know what she would say to him if he did.
Her mind was spinning like a top, everything from that evening flashing before her mind’s eye over and over again. She was analyzing every move, every expression every word.
If she slept at all it was a light sleep with heavy dreams replaying the night. She got out of bed the second the alarm went off and rushed off to work. She knew she had to get out before her husband woke up. She did nothing wrong, but she just could not face him.

Nothing is lonelier than having something eating you up inside and knowing that you can not share it with anyone around you. That is what the whole day was like.
She tried to concentrate on her work, but she kept coming back to the end of the evening. She knew she would meet him, she knew she was powerless to resist.

“Why is this happening to me?” she asked herself in the mirror while washing her hands in the ladies room at the office.
She had not realized she spoke out loud until she heard a voice form the stall, “What did you say?”
She rushed out before she had to face her questioner.

The night came and she got dressed and headed out to meet him. She had resolved that it was going to happen, so she may as well not fight it. She had an eerie calm about her. Like she had resigned to whatever will, be will be. Her feelings were mixed, part anticipation and part exhaustion, not only from the sleepless nights but the years without real heat or passion in her home life.

He was there when she walked in, sitting at the same table, drinking the same beer, but this time he wasn’t reading, he was watching the door.
“You came!” he said, “I knew you would!”

He stood up and gave her a hug. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and pulled her close. She was grateful he was holding on so tight because she thought she might have fallen over had he not. She squeezed him back like someone holding on for dear life.
When he finally released his embrace she grabbed the back of her chair and helped herself settle into it.

“I thought about you all day.” He said, “I know I shouldn’t, but I did.”
“I did to.” She admitted to him, “In fact I have not been able to stop thinking about you since we met.”
“I want to kiss you right now.” He said and he leaned forward towards her lips

She surprised herself by pulling away, “We can’t!” she said, “We are both married!”
It was like a trained reaction more than will power, she had always taken her wedding vows very seriously and they had never felt quite as tested as they did right then.
He was still leaning across the table so he was very close to her face when he said, “We shouldn’t, but I have never felt this sort of connection before, not even with my wife, do you think we really can deny this?”
It took all of her resolve to not lean forward the two inches and kiss his lips but she held steady, “No, we can’t, we made a promise.” And she put her hand on his cheek and looked in his eyes for a moment and then gently nudged him back to his side of the table.

They sat in silence for a long time, just looking at one another and playing with each others fingers, tangling them and untangling them.

Then something in her head clicked.

“I need to ask you something.” She said, “Do you think that we are feeling all of this passion because of some supernatural connection, or is it because we are both so starved for human touch we are inventing some grand passion in our minds and it has nothing to do with our hearts?”
“I am not sure I know where you are going with this.” He said, “I for one think there is something much bigger here going on between the two of us, I don’t really buy into supernatural connection business, but I do think that there is something very viable between us. A very real spark that I can’t say I have felt before even with my wife.”
His words stabbed her heart because she knew what he was saying felt true to her, but she could not let her guard down, not yet.
“Let me try and explain like this” she said and she stood up from her chair and stepped in front of him, “Now close your eyes and don’t move or say anything no mater what I do.”

He closed his eyes and she placed her hands gently on either side of his face. She leaned in very close to him and paused for a moment before she gently placed her lips on his and gave him a slow and soft lingering kiss. She moved her mouth to his ear and whispered, “Now does this feeling have anything to do with love, or is it all adrenaline caused by anticipation, loneliness and the unknown?”
She let go of his face and turned to walk away, he grabbed her wrist, “Wait. I know you feel it too.”
She pulled herself free and said over her shoulder, “I’m sorry. I have not felt anything in a very long time.” and started out the door.
She was surprised at her own resolve because inside her stomach was doing flip flops, every inch of her skin was tingling in anticipation of his next touch and her lips were burning to kiss him for real, but she knew if she started she would not be able to stop herself.
She knew that by giving in to her passion she would have changed her whole world and the worlds of all of other people around them, and for what; the fulfillment of a fantasy, the answer to a question that may not be worth it in the long run?
She knew the answers they were seeking would take doing things that cannot be undone and are not easily, if ever, forgiven; there was no room for error in this game.

She knew as she walked out the door, never looking back, that she wasn’t ready to open Pandora’s Box.
***********

(lyrics)
I would rather scream than hear the silence for one more day
If I can't get past it, I will build on it
The sky is the limit
There is no solace
in these creature comforts
and the broken promise still rings in my ears
Intuitive or not
you only need eyes to see this truth
Can't
Won't
and then it is back to you again
Do we take the dive when we are ready
Or will there always be someone there to pull us back in
I want to jump
You want to stay
You want to run
I want to sleep
It is a catastrophe waiting to happen
Is there no one willing to open this Pandora's box?
-DJL